


Thackeray's Run

by RebelAlliance6112



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Battle of Hoth, Battle of Yavin, Flashbacks, Galactic Civil War, Gen, Imperial Walkers, Lessu, Mental Health Issues, New Republic, Post Galactic Civil War, Post-Battle of Yavin, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ryloth - Freeform, Ryloth | Twi’lek, T-47 Airspeeder, Twi'leks (Star Wars), X-Wing(s), mechanic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-23 01:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelAlliance6112/pseuds/RebelAlliance6112
Summary: Thackeray "Thack" Tesig was a mechanic during the Galactic Civil War, keeping the various types of Starfighters ready to fight.  His pilots were involved in many of the iconic battles including Yavin, Hoth, Endor, and Jakku.  Many of the flight crews never returned, and Thack has yet to come to grips with that.  It is two years after the Battle of Jakku, and Thack is on Ryloth, working at the Lessu spaceport.  He's also suffering from debilitating flash backs and anxiety attacks.  Counseling has been ineffective, and the attacks are getting more frequent and more severe.  He's unsure how to move forward, so he throws himself into his work.





	1. Mr. Tesig?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy reading this. I've taken my love of Star Wars and combined it with current mental health issues that many vets today are dealing with. As a veteran myself, this is near and dear to my heart. The plot line is much more than the journey towards improving the mental health of our protagonist though! This is very much written in the "Certain Point of View" style. I've taken great care to capture the bits and pieces of the original movies, animated series, books, and the vast array of characters out there in the expanded universe. Please feel free to leave questions, comments, or critiques. I'd love to hear from you!

“Take a deep breath.”  The voice was trying to sound sincere, but something was missing. 

“What do you see?”  What was it I was supposed to be concentrating on?

“Just give it time, try to relax and focus.”  Time……..I need to get back to work soon.

“Just……breathe.”  Didn’t she just say that?  I popped open an eye.  Just a bit.  I saw her sitting across from me, but she wasn’t looking at me.  She wasn’t even looking in my direction.  My counselor was staring intently at her data pad.  Finger flicking randomly.  She didn’t notice that I was watching her.  I closed my eyes tightly for a moment and then opened them, looking directly at her. 

“Ma’am?”  My counselor looked up with a slight start, but quickly recovered.

“Did you focus in on what we talked about?”  She was looking at me now.

I started to say something, then paused.  I was having trouble collecting my thoughts.  “Not really.  It’s hard to replicate in a setting like this.  Sitting in a chair and trying to think of something isn’t how the attacks come on.  They just….happen.”

I said the last part quietly.  Thinking of an attack put a small catch in my throat.  I didn’t want to take it any further.

She sighed.  “Look, Mr. Tesig….”  Her data pad beeped and she glanced down at it, making a quick swipe before looking back at me.  “It takes time.  Let’s call it a day and we’ll try again next week, okay?”

I simply nodded and headed for the door, not before noticing that there was still twenty minutes of the allotted hour left.  As I exited the counselor’s office and headed into the waiting area, her Twi’lek assistant glanced up.

“Oh, hi!  Mr.....?”

She’s young, I thought, and probably sees twenty people coming through here every day that look more or less like me.  If not physically then mentally.  “Tesig.  Thackeray Tesig.”

“Right, sorry.”  She smiled apologetically and looked slightly embarrassed.  “Done already?  Would you like to make an appointment for next week?”

“Um, I’m pretty busy.  Work is picking up.  How about I call and set something up when I know what my schedule is going to be?

Her brow furrowed a bit.  “Okay, I look forward to seeing you again.  Have a good week.”

I smiled and walked out the door, which opened directly onto a side street in a modest business area of Lessu.  The streets were moderately busy with a few hover crafts of various types floating lazily by.  Traffic, both pedestrian and vehicle, wouldn’t pick up for a couple of hours still, which was why I always scheduled my appointments earlier in the afternoon. 

Sighing to myself and shoving my hands into my coverall pockets, I put my head down and headed back towards the hanger bays and maintenance docks.  They were adjacent to the Lessu spaceport, which was where I had called home for the past two months.  It wasn’t that work was hard to come by.  I had been turning Harris wrenches and pilot drivers with the best of them since my early teen years.  It’s just that, I couldn’t seem to settle.

The counseling sessions weren’t really doing that much other than taking an hour of my afternoon and generally leaving me in a state of agitation.  It was the New Republic’s effort to take care of veterans of the civil war.  They meant well, but the quality of specialists was directly proportional to the distance from the core worlds.  And Ryloth was pretty far out.  This was only the most recent of more than a few.  They were all the same, just focus on what caused the flash backs.  Thing was, I didn’t know what really triggered them.  They just happened, no rhyme or reason.  How can you recreate something that you can’t predict?

I coughed to clear my head.  It didn’t matter, had work to do.  I was working on the atmospheric flight control system of a freighter that had come in from Sullust.  The repulsor drives wouldn’t synch up with the vector thrusters, resulting in a very bumpy approach once the craft entered atmosphere.  The navigation computer did not register the subtleties of the misalignment, almost as if it switched off once it realized it wasn’t in space.  Lazy assed computer, I smirked to myself. 

And then it hit me.  Maybe it wasn’t a mechanical issue, but a software issue!  The navigation computer more or less switched off once the ship dropped from space into atmosphere.  What if it wasn’t being lazy, but was confused?  I’d bet a pint of the local brew that the freighter captain hadn’t bothered to update the hyperspace maps lately, or at all for that matter.  They don’t change all that much besides minor updates to asteroid fields or comet trajectories.  However, also included in those updates were software patches.  Small patches on their own, but if not updated over a long period of time, then the computer was probably glitching.  The vector thrusters weren’t synching because the computer wasn’t online providing nuanced guidance for manual pilot control.

Atmospheric flight was always interesting, maneuverability so different between space and various atmospheric types.  Like on Hoth when we struggled so hard trying to adjust our fighters to extreme weather conditions………….. 

The attack hit.  Delayed just enough for me to know it was coming, but too fast for me to do anything to prepare for it.  My throat closed off.  Trying to inhale was like trying to run through a wall.  I veered off and leaned up against the side of a building.  Wait for it to pass……the memory came flooding in.

_“Just patch the damned thing already!”  It was nearly ten minutes since Rogue Squadron had taken off in an attempt to slow the Imperial assault.  The evacuation had been chaotic, and the ground crews had been frantically working to ready the transport craft along with their X-Wing escorts.  Concurrently, those same over worked ground crews were also preparing the T-47’s for the anticipated ground assault.  The climate of Hoth was just too much for the X-Wings.  However, we figured out a couple of work arounds for the T-47’s to keep them from freezing up.  It was all we had._

_None of this mattered to Laren Altaren, also known as Rogue 12.  We had cannibalized the beaten down 47’s as much as we could to get the squadron up and flying.  Ten made it up once the Imperial Walkers had been spotted on the North Ridge.  Altaren’s speeder had a bad actuator on his vector thruster.  The result was a significant decrease in maneuverability, so bad that it was difficult to control the speeder in flight.  Exacerbating the problem was that the coolant hose leading up to the actuator had multiple leaks.  The coolant in this case, since Hoth was so cold, actually acted as a defroster.  It kept the actuator, and thus the flight controls, functional.  One of the many work arounds._

_I put the last bit of shielding tape I had on the hose._

_“Thack, are we good?  I have to get up there!”  Laren was nearly on my shoulders looking down at what I was working on._

_“I think so.  It’s not going to hold long.  Maybe ten minutes of flight?  Laren, look.  Get to the evac point and to your X-Wing.  There’s not much you can do at this point!”_

_He looked at me like I had just kicked his kid, of which I knew he had two.  “Just a couple of runs, to buy a bit more time.  Then I’ll get to the evacuation point, I promise.”  His expression softened a bit.  “You know I have to, you know how it is.”_

_I did know, didn’t make it any easier.  “Two passes, then break contact.  I’m heading to the south ridge.  Boss lady will have my ass if I get on a transport after she does.”_

_Laren grinned as he jumped in the speeder, firing up the thrusters.  No tail gunner was around to join him.  “I’d rather kiss a tauntaun than get on Nera’s bad side.  You’re the best mech we have, Thack.  First drink is on me next time around.”_

_With that, he piloted his T-47 out of the hanger doors and away towards the fight……_

My breathing slowly returned to normal.  I could feel the cold sweat starting to dampen my coveralls.  The playback in my head kept going though.

_After Laren took off I made my way to one of the final transports to make it out.  My boss, Nera Kase, was there just ahead of me, scowling at me and looking relieved at the same time.  Imperial troops had stormed the base._

_The transport I hopped on had a lot of the infantry on board that tried to hold the ridge for as long as they could.  I overheard some of them talking about the air support, in particular one speeder.  As they were running for safety, under direct fire from the AT-AT’s, one lone speeder showed up, flying directly at the group of walkers.  Most of the squadron had either been shot down or scattered.  This guy showed up late.  The AT-AT that had been directing its fire towards the ground troops had to make a sudden and awkward adjustment to meet the unexpected threat.  The speeder took a direct hit and immediately spun over and nose dived straight into the ground.  No opportunity to eject.  A moment later, the lead AT-AT destroyed the shield generator._

_According to the young grunt telling the story, it took a few moments AT-AT to readjust itself after downing the speeder and resume its forward march and fire.  In those few moments, many of the fleeing rebels made it over a small ridgeline, out of the direct line of fire of the walkers._

_“It was maybe ten seconds, maybe less.  But that quick break from taking fire allowed us to make it over that ridge.  I thought I was done, thought the whole squad was done.  But we made it.   I take back everything I ever said about pilots and how easy they have it.”  The kid, paused for a second, then up and walked out.  Leaving the rest of the group alone in their individual worlds._

It was Laren.  If I hadn’t fixed his speeder he may still be here, I thought.  But then a lot of those kids on the ground wouldn’t. 

I rubbed my eyes and blinked my vision clear in the waning daylight.  In front of me was a blurry figure, slowly coming into focus.

“Mr. Tesig?”  It was the young Twi’lek from the counselor’s office.

I was immediately annoyed, borderline angry.  I hated being seen like this.  “What, you following me or something?  I told you I’d be in touch!”

She looked taken aback by my outburst, but then her expression softened a bit.  She looked genuinely concerned.  “Mr. Tesig, you left the office nearly an hour ago.  I’m off for the day.”  She cocked her head slightly to the side.  “Are you okay?  You look sick.  Should I call someone?”

An hour?  Great.  I pinched the bridge of my nose and grimaced.  The attacks were getting worse.  Glancing up, I could see she was still in front of me, a concerned yet quizzical look on her face.

“Look kid, I’m sorry….I um.  I have to get to work.”  With that I pushed past her towards the spaceport.

“Wait, Mr. Tesig! I can……..” I didn’t make out the last part of what she was saying, quickening my pace to get away.  To her credit, and my relief, she didn’t follow.

My brain was scattered.  Muttering to myself, I wondered how I was going to be able to finish the day.  Head down I pressed on, no really knowing what else to do.


	2. Jinx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Counseling didn't really work out. Thack thought he'd try something else.

I had meant to go back the next week, to give the counselor the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was having boyfriend problems. Maybe her mom had been sick and she was waiting for an update.

Or maybe it was just another medical professional that took a bonus from the New Republic to counsel vets on the Outer Rim. Whatever the case, one week turned into two. Then three. Then I kind of lost track. Never went back.

The repair job on the atmospheric flight control system on the freighter had gone well. Turns out I was right, the captain hadn’t bothered paying the few extra credits to keep his navi computer up to date. He was grateful for the quick fix, and slipped me a small bonus for not telling his crew.

That and the few other side jobs I had finished up that week left me a bit flusher with credits than I was used to. As a result, I found a better counselor. Alcohol. Which was where I found myself now. Any space port worth anything had a bustling business of bars, cantinas, and many other levels of establishments of varying ill repute. With enough credits you could find a new religion, new love, and rock bottom all in one night. I had credits. Lessu did not disappoint.

I wasn’t sure about the past half day, but I did know that I wanted more Corellian Whiskey and more of those fried meat stick things. My stomach was growling and I was in danger of both starving and losing the warmth of drunkenness. The individual in front of me, the bartender, was preventing me from obtaining both. Cut off? What does that mean? He had two horns coming out of his head. I had to play it cool, pretty sure calling him horn head or horny face was probably not the way to go.

Deep breath Thack, you got this.

“Listen, Pointy…” Well done Thack, nicely done.

When I opened my eyes, I had clear sight of the ceiling, and my head was amazingly clear. A fist hitting your face at high speed does wonders for sobriety. My vision cleared just in time to see a pair of hands heading my direction and pulling me to my feet.

Pointy lifted me to my toes and pulled his face close. “That’s it, you drunk. You’re outta here. Don’t bother sticking your face back in here, asshole.”

I started to protest but he cut me off as he dragged me towards the door. “Yeah whatever, man. We all get it, fought in the war, lost friends, whatever. Nothing compared to what folks around here went through.”

Pointy was kind enough to open the door by way of tossing me out of it. I hit the ground hard, and the sudden sobriety thanks to Pointy’s right hook dissipated. The returning fog of whiskey threatened to cut me off from reality, though I was briefly conscience enough to make the realization that the lurch I was feeling in my head was exactly that. Through the coming haze I heard a high pitch whining sound. It was surprisingly familiar and comfortable.

“Hey, the APU’s are starting up……” I murmured to myself. Up on one elbow, I angled my face upward towards the warmth of the waning sunlight. I caught a faint whiff of hydraulic fluid, probably from my coveralls, and a sudden feeling of anxiety hit me. Clenching my eyes shut, my chest seized inwards. The darkness gave way to a visual, like a holonet video on replay.

_The whining of the auxiliary power units continued to increase in volume and pitch. It was soon joined by the deeper sound of the four fusial thrust engines coming online. The X-Wing I was running final diagnostics on hummed to life._

_“Gold Squadron, begin take off procedure,” droned the hanger bay announcer._

_As I disconnected the data cable I noticed a panel on the engine not secured. I stepped over to clamp it down, just missing an orange suited pilot running by towards his starfighter. A cargo hauler being used as an ad hoc transport zipped by piled high with other suited up pilots, each jumping off as they came to their own starfighters._

_The pilot of the X-Wing I was servicing scrambled up the ladder into the cockpit and I followed him up, grabbing his helmet along way. I looked to give him a quick brief of the diagnostic results, but his eyes were focused. Concentrated yet distant at the same time. We all knew the Death Star was here. We all remembered Scarif and Alderaan. We all knew that failure meant all would perish. I had made my peace with it._

_I handed the pilot his flight helmet, blue rebel insignias emblazoned on the front. Reaching in to flip on his navi computer to start take off procedures, I gave him a nod, then dropped down the ladder. The hanger bay announcer was speaking again but was drowned out by all the starfighters now running at full power. I removed the ladder and glanced up at the pilot as his canopy closed. What was his name? Only recently arrived, I really didn’t know anyone except for my boss and a couple of the other new mechanics that I showed up with._

_Final hoses and cables were disconnected, deck crew personnel grabbed their lighted wands to guide the starfighters out. In the distance I saw Nera Kase, the maintenance chief, stalking down the flight line, ensuring all final checks were being done correctly. I hadn’t met her, but was told she ran the place. A quick burst of hot air buffeted me as the X-Wing I had been working on gently lifted off and glided away. Nothing else to do, I went to the command center._

I forced my eyes open. It was darker now. I could hear a male voice talking in Twi’leki nearby, pretty sure it was about me, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to breathe…….

_In the command center…..all standing around. It was my first time here. Finally got a glimpse of the mythical princess from Alderaan that was our leader. Mechanics, other support personnel, gathered into the space, just listening. The three senior crew chiefs were across from me. My boss was one of them but I couldn’t remember his name. Nera off to the side glancing quickly between the control board showing ship locations and her data pad. Her face was calm but her fingers flew. How did she do it? I caught bits and pieces of the radio calls between all the pilots._

_“Cut the chatter, Red Two!”…..Wasn’t that the squadron commander?_

_“We’re starting for the target shaft now.” Pretty sure that was the Y-Wing leader._

_The individual pilots called out their strafing runs, trying to draw away the defensive turbo lasers from the Y-Wings. Some having more success and closer calls than others. Red Three called his run and soon after his wingman called out. “I’ve got a problem here.” Red Three called for him to eject. A few more words were exchanged. “No it’s alright….” A cry and then silence. Nera intensified her glare into her data pad. My boss walked out._

_I heard the command center watch officer make the call that enemy fighters had been detected._

_“I’m hit!!” Instant silence. That made two._

_The radio chatter devolved into everyone trying to keep everyone else alive. Y-Wings got jumped in the trench. Then another pilot went down. And another. They were all falling._

_“Hits away!” came the call._

_“Did it go in?”_

_“Negative, negative.” came the dejected response. The squadron commander gave final orders to the remaining X-Wings, his own craft was falling apart around him. There was a loud blast, a defiant scream, then silence._

_“The Death Star has cleared the planet. The Death Star has cleared the planet,” came the announcement. I closed my eyes. It now had a clear line of fire. This was it. But I just got here………._

_I heard a cry over the radio, a cry of joy? I didn’t care. And then nothing. We were all dead. Except we weren’t._

_Everyone screamed and started hugging one another, then ran for the hanger. I hung around for a few moments. Nera and a few others lingered. Everyone was so happy and cheering. But so many pilots had just died. The pilot I handed the flight helmet to, I couldn’t even muster any final words. I knew I should have been elated to be alive, but was instead exhausted, flush with adrenaline and numb all at the same time. I had been so happy to finally arrive, and now I hated everything about it._

And just like that, I was back on Ryloth. Opening my eyes, vision was still shot but my breathing somewhat returning to normal. Heart was still working hard to dislodge itself from my chest. Brain was very foggy. I realized that I was no longer lying in the gutter, but sitting upright in it. I also realized that my hands were fastened behind me in restraints. I looked towards the closest sound and saw two figures, one large and one not so much. Both were speaking adamantly and gesturing in my direction. The argument was in the local language so I was having a hard time keeping up, but I got the impression that the smaller figure was on my side. The larger one, definitely not.

They finally seemed to arrive at some kind of agreement. The larger one hauled me to my feet from behind and removed the restraints.

“Look,” I started, “I don’t know what this is about but if you…”

“Shut up!” hissed the smaller figure, squaring off in front of me.

She was female, and coming into focus. “Shut up? Who do you think you, wait a minute. You’re the girl from that stupid counselor’s office! I told you to piss off, didn’t I?”

The young Twi’lek office assistant glared at me. “Yeah, you more or less did. And unless you want to spend the night in jail, you’ll shut the hell up!”

I looked over at the large individual, whom I now recognized as a very mean looking Twi’lek police officer. He had obviously seen his fair share of fights, and was staring angrily towards me, arms crossed. Restraints hanging from his fingers. I watched them dangle back and forth for a few rotations then looked back to the young girl.

“Okay, look. Um, thanks but I can….”

She cut me off. “You can’t do anything other than leave with me. Otherwise you’re his and you get your ass handed to you a second time tonight.”

I exhaled heavily. She grabbed my hand and started leading me away from the bar.

“Where are you taking me, kid?”

She shot me a sideways glance. “To get some food. You’re buying me dinner as payback for saving you. You also need to sober up.” Her nose wrinkled a bit. “You smell like schutta shit.”

I started to make a response, then gave up. “It’s been a long day, kid.”

“I’ll say it has. And call me Jinx.”

I almost laughed. “Jinx? Your parents named you Jinx?”

Jinx smirked as she continued to lead me through the street. “No idiot, it’s what people call me. Now come on, we have things to talk about.”

I almost laughed again. “Oh really? What could we possibly have to talk about?”

This time Jinx didn’t look back, but I could see her annoyed expression through her lekku and hear it in her voice. “I have a proposition, and you’re going to want to hear it.”


	3. A New Counselor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinx mentioned she has a proposition. Until Thack cleans up a bit, she will hold her cards.

After Jinx saved me from local law enforcement, she dragged me to an open air restaurant. By open air restaurant, I meant a food cart where a local was frying up mystery meat and dishing out an oddly fragrant stew. He had a few tables set up around him, which was where Jinx and I ended up.

I started to eat the stew, it was actually pretty good, and my head was starting to clear. Jinx wouldn’t tell me what her proposal was, said I was still too drunk to remember anything anyway. She was distracted, picked at her meat on a stick.

“Seriously, kid. What gives?” The look she shot me caught me off guard.

“Don’t call me kid.” She hissed, punctuating each word. Jinx’s gold colored eyes shone as she glared at me. I hadn’t really noticed before, but her eyes contrasted against her dark blue skin was striking. She held her gaze, lekku twitching slightly. 

I dropped my spoon and held up my hands in surrender. “Okay, sorry…..um, Jinx.”

Her expression softened a bit, as did her voice. But her eyes maintained contact and intensity. “Here’s what’s going to happen, Mr. Tesig. You’re going to take a break from drinking for a few days. Then you’re going to come back to the clinic and see the new counselor that got here a few weeks ago. I’ll send you the appointment reminder.”

I shook my head. “Why would I want to see another…..”

“…because this one’s good. That’s why. And she cares.” Her eyes started to relax. “And I think that you care, too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have stuck with it coming by for as long as you did.”

I leaned back in my chair, still buzzing drunk but coherent. What was her angle? I nodded, “Go on.”

“Look, I know that most of the counselors we have are crap. And I see you guys, and my own people, that had to live under the Empire, trying to heal. It makes me sad.” She finally broke eye contact, her eyes glazing over a bit. “It was hard for me here. I’ve never known much else. I just…….” She trailed off.

I raised my eyebrows and leaned forward. “And?”

Jinx snapped out of it. “And, that’s it.” She stood up, placing both hands on the table and leaned towards me. “Sober up, come to the appointment, and then we’ll talk more.” She paused, glanced me up and down, wrinkled her nose, and then almost smiled. “And for all of our sakes, take a shower.”

With that she shoved off the table, clicked her tongue, winked, and pointed at me all in the same motion, and dodged effortlessly into the crowd. A second later, I was handed the bill.

Which brings me to the present. Three days later I’m sober, showered, and sitting across from the new counselor. Her name was Dr. Paree Mindaat. She was human, but perhaps something else as well. Couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Her slightly yellowish skin was highlighted by a series of small geometric tattoos that traversed the bridge of her nose and trailed off along her cheek bones. A diamond shaped collection of inverted squares sat prominently upon her forehead. She was about mid aged, and had a quiet confidence about her. We had engaged in casual conversation upon coming in. I told her about my job and a bit of my history of where I had been and what I had done during the war. She briefly explained that she previously worked at a New Republic veterans hospital in Darropolis on Hosnian Prime. She also casually mentioned that she was half Miniloan and half human. Since then, we had been sitting across from each other for a few uncomfortable moments.

“Not going to lie, Doc. I’m not too thrilled to be here,” I began.

She nodded and smiled. “I know. Jinx informed me as much. She said that you have not had much luck with the care you’ve been receiving here.”

I snorted. “That’s an understatement. None of the others really seemed to care. Not to be rude, but how are you different? I mean, other than you’re obviously older than the others.”

Dr. Mindaat chuckled softly. “I am older, yes.” She paused for a moment. “Ryloth is very distant from the core regions. The New Republic is still trying to work things out. Growing pains. Jinx tells me you’ve been more or less persistent, however.”

I shrugged. “I guess, passes the time in between jobs and shifts.”

“She tells me I’m your fourth counselor”

I could feel my agitation level starting to rise. “She’s pays too much attention.”

Dr. Mindaat’s smile faded a bit. “Good thing she does, otherwise you may still be locked up. Lessu security has been cracking down on non Twi’lek extra curricular activities. Part of their efforts to assert control now that they’re free again. Average stay in lock up for your transgression is running five days, along with a nice fine. You owe her a thanks.”

That was new information, and it made me embarrassed that I had spoken harshly to her leading up to my eviction from the bar. I rubbed my face, sighing. “Fair enough.”

The Miniloan pulled an actual pad of paper and a writing utensil from somewhere besides her chair. Paper? She glanced up and must have noticed my look as she jotted down a few notes.

“Yes, this is paper. I learned to write when I was very young and carried it into my studies later on. I find it easier to organize my thoughts this way, then transfer my notes to a data pad. Also, written word is traditional here on Ryloth. The locals appreciate it, as do I.”

“Whatever you say, Doc. How are you different, again?”

She ignored the question. “Why do you keep coming back?”

“I don’t know,” I replied with a nonchalant shrug. “I have flash backs, episodes. I want to get rid of them. Counseling is free. Here I am.”

She was looking down, taking notes. “And if it wasn’t free?” She finished her writing and looked at me, awaiting a response.

What happened to ‘just breathe’ I thought, suddenly longing for the previous disinterested counselors. “Hard to say, honestly.”

She went back to writing, “Tell me about your flashbacks.”

“Well, usually they are me remembering something…..”

“I’m sorry,” she cut me off. “Let me clarify the question. We will deal with the content of your flashbacks later. For now, tell me what they do to you.”

It caught me off guard. “Oh, okay. Well, sometimes I can feel them coming. Other times it’s like getting ambushed. Usually it’s a thought, or a smell or sound that sets it off. The world just blacks out, and it’s like watching a movie. I struggle to breath, my heart goes off the charts. One time I was afraid I was going to piss myself. Time is irrelevant though, for this. Sometimes they only last a few minutes, sometimes they go for nearly an hour. That’s what really scares me. I can’t tell the time lapse until I’m able to come out of it. One of these times it’s going to happen on the job and I’m going to get myself or someone else really hurt.”

Dr. Mindaat was writing swiftly. Not looking up, she asked, “Did anything like this ever happen before the war?”

I paused, grasping around for a response. She looked up from her notes, face impassive.

“Mr. Tesig?”

She was different, I realized. Searching for words, I glanced around the office, then took a deep breath.

“Yes,” I replied softly. “Not as often. But I did have them.”

She smiled softly and put down her writing utensil. “Thank you, Mr. Tesig. I feel like you’re being honest, and that’s important. You’re invested in this, as I hope you realize I am as well.”

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I simply nodded, suddenly realizing that time was up. It was the first time that I had sat through an entire session.

Dr. Mindaat stood up and ushered me towards the door. “We’re going to talk about before the war next time. Thank you for coming in. Make sure you set up your next appointment with Jinx before you leave.”

Heading for the door, I managed to find my voice. “Thanks, Doc. I guess I’ll see you next time.”

Down the hall, Jinx was sitting at the reception desk, engrossed in a data pad. I walked up to the desk. Jinx didn’t look up. She was either that oblivious or ignoring me.

I cleared my throat. “Hey, Jinx? I’m done.”

She looked up with a smile, as if the previous day’s events had not occurred. “Oh hello, Mr. Tesig. Same time next week?”

“Yeah, sure. That will do.”

She nodded and then returned her attention to the data pad.

I started to turn to leave, then paused.

“Look, Jinx. I um, I’m sorry that I wasn’t so nice to you earlier. And thank you for helping me out the other day. The Doc said that you really stuck your neck out for me. I’m not sure how you managed to find me when you did. But……thanks.” I shuffled my feet and looked down, I wasn’t very good at this.

She looked up again, that same smile as if nothing was amiss. “Sure thing.”

“So, you going to tell me what this proposal or project or whatever it is that you were talking about?”

Her expression didn’t change, but her eyes intensified. Just barely noticeable. “Nope. I’ll see you next week, Mr. Tesig.”

Jinx went back to her data pad. The conversation was over. I rolled my eyes and headed out the door. The light was fading on Lessu. I felt off, something was different. What did that weird paper writing half breed from the inner core do to me? I walked towards my apartment, which was also the way towards the drinking establishments. After a few moments I came to the intersection between the two. Left was home. Right was alcohol.

“To hell with it,” I said aloud, to no one but myself. I turned right.


	4. Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thackeray's anxiety attacks pre-date the Galactic Civil War. He carries the guilt of lost air crew during the conflict. However, he carried a heavier guilt even before that.

A week later and I found myself back in the counselor’s office.  Jinx checked me in with her usual smile and cheerfulness.  However, she was still not forthcoming regarding her “proposal” that she mentioned when she plucked me off the street.

The scratching of Dr. Mindaat’s writing utensil was strange to listen to as she jotted down a few notes before looking up at me. 

“I’m going to ask you to close your eyes, and picture a blue dot.  That blue dot is going to move from left to right.  I want you to keep your eyes closed, but follow the motion of the dot back and forth.”

I furrowed my brow at Dr. Mindaat.  “Huh?”

She smiled slightly.  “Humor me, Mr. Tesig.  It is a technique I picked up back on Hosnian Prime.”

I closed my eyes, conjured up a dot in my mind’s eye, and then proceeded to make it dance back and forth.  Moving my eyes behind closed lids felt a bit odd, but I humored her.

“Now, try to clear your mind of all else and just concentrate on the dot.  Do not respond verbally to my instructions from this point forward.  Simply follow my words.”

I shrugged and nodded slightly, then almost smirked to myself.  She didn’t say anything about physical responses.

“Calm your mind, Mr. Tesig.  Take deep breaths through your nose, then exhale through your mouth.  This will help.”

I did as she instructed a couple of times.  I could feel my body relaxing, almost tingling.  She was definitely better than the previous docs.

“Now, I want you to center the dot.  Then, let it fade away.  Feel yourself in a warm blanket of darkness.  You are safe and secure.  Let yourself sink into the warmth.”

I would have been startled had I not been so relaxed.  It felt like a humid fog had been placed over my mind.  The warmth permeated every part of my body.  My breathing was calm and even.  The real world was lost to me, Dr. Mindaat’s voice trailing away.  I could hear her talking, but couldn’t understand the words.  Suddenly, I noticed what felt like a soothing hand on my shoulder, and Dr. Mindaat’s voice came back.

“Tell me how it happened.”

Tell you how what happened? 

“Tell me when the flash backs, and anxiety attacks started.”

It was after my father died.

“Can you show me?”

Show you?  Then the replay in my mind started, and I was the narrator.

_"We are going to service the solar fusion assembly today.  Do you remember why?”  My father was standing in front of me, staring down with his arms crossed.  His expression was the familiar combination of sternness, kindness, and a glint of amusement.  He always wore it when quizzing me on maintenance procedures._

_I tried to picture the schematic of the TIE that I studied the night before.  “Um, the solar fusion assembly controls the….”_

_"Controls the what?”_

_"It controls.”  Fists tightening, oh yeah!  “It controls the rate of flow from the solar energy collected by the wings to the ion engine!”_

_“Very good, but you didn’t answer my question.”_

_I returned his gaze with a smile.  “So we have to inspect the assembly to make sure that there is no carbon build up in any of the transistor components or batteries.”_

_“You are correct.  But again, why?  Why do we care about carbon build up?”_

_I closed my eyes, thinking again of the schematic and the workings of the TIE Starfighter.  Picturing it in my mind dodging through space.  “If there is too much carbon build up, then it will start to restrict the flow of energy to the ion engine.”_

_“And?”_

_“And….if it doesn’t get enough energy, it won’t fly as good?  Oh! And also the laser cannons won’t fire as well, because they draw their power from the solar wings too!”  I opened my eyes and looked up at my father._

_He held his expression for a moment, then broke into his trademark staccato laugh.  “That’s right.  Good job, Thack.  You’re picking this up well.  Nicely done, kiddo.”_

_My smile got even wider and a small giggle escaped me.  My father had only started bringing me into the hanger maintenance bay a few months ago.  I spent the previous years getting quizzed on the basics of starship maintenance, hyper drive diagnostics, flight control systems, you name it.  All while keeping my father’s tool inventory clean and organized.  You have to inventory your tools before and after each work day, he explained.  If a sprocket or Harris wrench gets left on a star craft you’re working on, it can damage it in flight, maybe even cause a crash.  Finally, he deemed me ready for real work._

_“Okay, Thack.  Disconnect the assembly from the engines and we’ll get to work.”  He walked off to the hanger bay supervisor’s office, leaving me alone._

_I nodded and skipped over to the TIE.  It was sitting in its docking struts.  I was told that TIE’s normally stayed in the massive Star Destroyer’s, hanging from giant overhead rails.  I had a hard time imagining a starship so massive, but it made sense considering how powerful my father told me the Empire was.  Stationed planet side, special docking struts had been developed for the wings to sit in so that they were not damaged from the overall weight of the TIE._

_Standing there, the TIE was at once both small and compact, yet powerful and intimidating.  I couldn’t imagine anyone trying to fly against it.  I had grown up on transports, going from planet to planet.  My father was contracted by the Empire to help service their star fighters and larger ships on the Outer Rim.  The Empire found it more efficient to hire civilians rather than station their military so far out to support the fleet._

_My father emerged from the supervisor’s office and made his way over to me.  “Okay, let’s get to work.  Go ahead and pull the energy bleed valve and we’ll get going.”_

_I walked up under the TIE and pulled down the maintenance panel, exposing the solar fusion assembly.  The red lever to pull for the energy bleed stared back at me.  As I reached up and began to pull it, a quick thought entered my head.  Did I disconnect the assembly from the engine?  What happens if I don’t disconnect the…?”_

_My father screamed at me.  “Thackeray, NO!”_

_I froze, then heard the low bass growl of a sudden energy discharge._

_"Thack!”  My father yelled again._

_I felt him grab the collar of my coveralls and spin me around, I caught a glimpse of the panic in his eyes.  Then he collapsed his body around me.  The low growl erupted into an explosion.  My father grunted, then went limp.  I could feel his weight upon me.  The heat was unbearable._

_Gasping for air.  “I can’t breathe.”_

_No response._

_“Father?”_

_I still couldn’t breathe, my lungs were being crushed.  The smell of burning chemicals, hair, and flesh invaded my nose and instantly sent my head into excruciating pain._

“Mr. Tesig?”  A voice was calling out to me.

 “Hello?  Father?” I replied.

“Mr. Tesig, you are in my office.  Can you hear me?”  The same voice again, calm and even.

“Father, get up.  I can’t breathe!”  No response.  His weight pinned me down.  

“Open your eyes.”  The voice asked, persistent.

“I’m sorry, father! I’m so sorry!” I screamed, desperate for a response.

 “Thackeray!”  My head jarred.  My face smarted.

“Mr. Tesig, please!”  A different voice, this one pleading, was calling to me. 

I opened my eyes, and the world came rushing back to me.  The smells were gone, but my head still throbbed.  Dr. Mindaat had her hands on my shoulders, staring intently at me.  We were standing.  I glanced hurriedly around the office.  My chair was overturned.  A glass jar that previously held a plant was broken on the floor.  Jinx was standing next to me, holding my arm.  There were tears in her eyes.

“I, what happened?” I started shaking.  The memory of the day my father died suddenly felt as real as if it had happened yesterday.  The grief and guilt seared my mind.

Jinx let go of my arm and righted the chair I had been sitting in, quickly wiping her eyes in the process.  She then quietly went about cleaning up the broken glass.  Dr. Mindaat gently but firmly guided me back into the chair before releasing my shoulders and returning to her seat.  Jinx finished her task left the room, gently closing the door behind her.

“Thank you for sharing that with me.  How old were you when your father passed away?”  Her expression had returned to its calm evenness. 

I swallowed hard, trying to keep the pain in my chest at bay.  “Twelve.”

“I’m sorry, that must have been hard.”

I couldn’t meet her gaze, I was afraid she’d see right through me.  “It was my fault,” I whispered.

“You were a child.  It was a mistake.”

My chest was about to explode, I was going to lose it.

“Um, look Doc.  I have to go.  I’m sorry, I can’t, I mean.”  I couldn’t get any words out that made sense.  I stood up and made for the door.  “I have to go.”

“Mr. Tesig, wait!” Dr. Mindaat called after me, rising to follow.  I ignored her and entered the hallway.  Rounding the corner towards the exit, I ran headlong into Jinx.

I started to apologize and push past her, but her eyes locked onto mine, freezing me in place.  A few tear trails had dried on her cheek.  Jinx placed a hand center on my chest, eyes looking up at me in gentle defiance.  They were filled with sadness.  I could feel my own eyes starting to tear up. 

“Jinx, I have to go,” I muttered and stepped to the side to go around her.

She stepped as well, remaining in front of me.  Hand still on my chest, gently holding me in place.

“Stay.”  She whispered.

I couldn’t hold it together any longer, I could feel myself starting to break down.  My knees buckled and I leaned up against the wall, letting it guide me to the floor, fighting for air as I felt the sobs coming on.  Jinx dropped down with me, placing her other hand on my shoulder and resting her forehead against the top of my head.

After what seemed like an eternity, I calmed down enough to where I didn’t feel like I was suffocating.  Jinx stood up and took my hand, guiding me to my feet.  She then led me back into Dr. Mindaat’s office.

 

 

               

 


	5. Holding the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thack isn't too happy about the unscheduled trip down memory lane.

Dr. Mindaat stood by silently as I let Jinx guide me back to the office and into my chair.

“You okay, Mr. Tesig?” asked Jinx, looking down on me with genuine concern. I simply nodded in response. She gave me smile, squeezed my shoulder, and then walked out of the office, closing the door again behind her.

Dr. Mindaat took her seat across from me, a concerned look on her face. “Mr. Tesig, how do you feel?”

“Like someone just dropped an astromech droid on me,” I replied. The emotions running through me were raw and sharp. Shame. Embarrassment. Followed by anger starting to creep in. Rubbing my eyes, I looked across at her. “You know, a little warning would have been nice that you were planning on running me down that nice chunk of memory lane.”

She smiled apologetically. “I am sorry. It was a calculated risk. I wanted to see where you would go without any coaching or encouragement. However, it was as I expected. A traumatic event from your early youth.”

“Well, there you go,” I replied dryly. Then, a thought hit me. “Wait a minute, Doc. You told me to not respond verbally when you were making me watch that stupid blue dot.”

She smiled and nodded. “I did, yes.”

“So, how did you know what to ask for? It was almost like you knew the answer before you even asked.”

Her smile morphed into a slightly amused expression. “As I said, I suspected that you had undergone a traumatic event early in your life. I simply asked the probing questions, and you did the rest.”

I was not convinced. “But, you said ‘show me.’ How…”

Dr. Mindaat cut me off, her face turning back to the professional, stern look. “I did, but I did not mean it literally. I knew that in your state of meditative hypnosis, you would see the events play out, as I’m sure you have relived many times over the course of your life. You narrated to me, very precisely I may add, all the details of the event.”

I stared back at her, still trying to process all that had occurred and how she was recounting the episode from her point of view. “I, was speaking? I don’t remember actually talking. It was like watching a holovid. Just like a regular flashback.”

She nodded slightly and continued. “You spoke of the hanger where you were going to work on the TIE fighter. You described how excited you were to be finally helping your father. He quizzed you on the procedure that you were going to help him on.” Her voice softened slightly. “How he sacrificed himself to save you. And that you blame yourself for his death because of your mistake. You did not disconnect the,” she glanced down at her notes, “solar fusion assembly from the ion engines?”

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I could feel my chest tightening again. “It was my fault,” I said quietly. “You have to bleed the solar batteries in the fusion assembly before servicing it. But, if you don’t disconnect the assembly from the engines, then any residual charge in the batteries goes straight to the engine. If there’s enough charge, it causes the engine to overload and explode. It was a design flaw in the early variants of the TIE’s. Empire didn’t bother trying to upgrade the legacy fighters, they just updated the follow on production series and left the legacy TIE’s out on the fleet.” I looked back up. “Maintenance processes were updated, but that was about it.”

Dr. MIndaat was taking notes again. “Do you think your father would blame you?” she asked without looking up.

“Yes? No. I don’t know,” I sighed heavily in response. “A mechanic checks, and double checks, before carrying out a procedure. Especially when not doing so can result in something like this.”

She stopped scribbling on her pad and looked up. “Was he not the more experienced mechanic in this case? The teacher?”

I nodded. “He was.”

“Then was it not his responsibility to ensure that you had, in fact, executed the proper steps prior to telling you to pull the bleed valve?” Her look was confident.

I paused, unsure how to respond. “I, well. He trusted me to do it right. Why wouldn’t he think I could handle something so simple?” Staring across at her, Dr. Mindaat’s gaze softened yet again. I could feel my body relaxing slightly, almost as if I was being soothed by an unseen presence.

“Mr. Tesig, as I said before. You were a child. It was a mistake. From the brief description I have of your father, it sounds like he was a very competent mechanic. So much so that the Empire employed him to service their starfighters. Is it possible that he would assign the blame to himself, for not properly supervising you? Before you answer, consider your time since as a mechanic, especially during the War.”

She took a deep breath before continuing. “I was able to get a copy of your military record from the veteran’s hospital at Darropolis. You left service as a senior mechanic, responsible for training and supervising those that were less proficient. With all your experience, and knowing your father, can you allow the possibility that your father would not blame you for his death?”

I took another deep breath and put my hands on my head, looking up to the ceiling for answers. “I hear what you’re saying, Doc. I’ve played that logic loop myself.” I dropped my hands back into my lap and returned her look. “But, my conclusions always come back to me. I should have known better.”

She leaned back and chewed on the end of her writing utensil. Speaking softly, “Can you allow the possibility that he would not blame you because he loved you, and that he would not want you to carry this burden?”

I had considered this before, but always pushed it down, not wanting to push the burden on to his memory. It made no sense, but in my mind it made things easier.

Before I could respond, Dr. Mindaat continued. “In the time between now and our next meeting, will you consider those possibilities?”

I shook my head in exasperation, trying to clear my thoughts. “Sure Doc, I’ll give it another look. One condition though. Next time you want to dig into my head, just ask, okay?”

She smiled, vaguely apologetically this time. “Sometimes an old would needs to be picked and allowed to bleed a bit before it can be truly healed. But, point taken. Fair enough, Mr. Tesig. I will see you next week. I am sorry about earlier, but I feel like we have made significant process today. Please, make sure you check in with Jinx on your way out. I imagine she’ll want to know that you are okay.”

I got up and walked out of the office in a general state of agitation, teetering dangerously close to outright anger. What the hell does that inner rim mind slicing quack know anyway, I was muttering internally to myself. This has all been a giant load of mynock shit. Waste of time.

“What was that about mynocks?” Jinx asked.

“What? “ I paused, a bit startled, and looked up. Jinx was sitting at her desk, looking at me with an empathetic smile. In my apparent not so internalized state of ranting I had walked right up to her desk without realizing it.

Her eyes danced a bit. “You were talking to yourself, something about mynocks? They’re tasty you know, when done right.”

I smirked in annoyance. “Never mind. Doc said to make another appointment, though I’m not sure I want to anymore.”

Her smile held firm. “I already have you booked. And yes, of course you want to see her again. I know it’s painful, Mr. Tesig. But it gets better. I promise.”

I glared at her. What did this kid know about getting better? What did she know about anything? “Gets better, huh? We’ll see.” My agitation subsided slightly as I remembered what had happened only a short time ago. “Look, thanks for earlier. I was in a rough spot, but I’m glad you kept me here. I’m just not sure how much I want to get into this overall. I just want the flashbacks to stop. And maybe get some sleep.” 

“You are welcome for earlier, Mr. Tesig,” she replied, eyes moistening slightly with the memory. “I’m glad you stayed.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Her gold infused eyes locked onto mine. Unable to hold her gaze, I looked off to the side, then down, shoving my hands deep into my coverall pockets. “Look kid. Sorry, Jinx. Look, I have to get going. Big job tomorrow working on some fancy star yacht. Full over hall and the owner wants it done quick time. Early start, late finish.”

Turning to leave, she hopped up, grabbing her bag and joining me from behind her desk. “Cool, you’ll need a good meal then. Come on, let’s get some dinner. I’m off anyway. Dr. Mindaat cut me loose for the rest of the day. Said she had some personal matters to tend to.”

“Jinx, I’m really not up for company right now. Seriously, I’d rather be alone. Don’t you have friends or family or something to hang out with off the clock? A boyfriend maybe? A pet?” I was exhausted, this was making me more exhausted.

She gave me a quick wink and a smile. Jinx seemed to be returning to her usual annoying self. “I’ve seen the company you keep. You could use the upgrade. Besides, I’ll do most of the talking. Remember that proposition I told you about? Well, some of your cards are on the table, whether you know it or not. I think it’s fair to put some of mine down.”

Shrugging, I simply followed along. “Fine, but I’m not paying for your food this time. And whatever you were saying about mynocks being tasty earlier, the answer is no. Damned space vermin, don’t even get me started.”

She laughingly replied, heading out onto the streets of Lessu with me in tow. “Your loss, Mr. Tesig. Come on, I know a place where we can have some privacy.” With that she stepped out on a brisk pace. I followed a few unenthusiastic steps behind, suddenly curious what the young Twi’lek had up her sleeve.


	6. The Proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinx finally lets Thack in on her plans.

Jinx led me to a hole in the wall bar not too far from the Lessu space port maintenance docks. I was surprised I had not wandered upon it before. However, seeing as I was the only non Twi’lek present, I quickly got the impression is was a “locals only” establishment. An older female Twi’lek was behind the bar and gave me a hard look when we first entered. However, Jinx gave her a subtle hand wave which received an imperceptible nod in response. Taking a small booth towards the back, we were barely seated when the bartender put drinks in front of us. Jinx got an iced tea that gave off mild aromas from local herbs. I got a pint of what I identified as a local ale. However, at first sip I immediately noticed something different than what I was used to. It had a more bitter taste. Despite the bite, it had a surprisingly smooth finish.

Jinx took a small sip of her tea and smiled at me over her glass. “Don’t worry Mr. Tesig. There’s nothing wrong with your drink.”

I shot a quick sideward glance towards the bartender. “You sure? It doesn’t look like off world types are all that welcome here.” I took another small sip. “Besides, it tastes like Lessu Ale, but not quite.”

She smiled again. “What you all drink in the regular places is a poor excuse for alcohol. It’s basically a bastardized version of Feen Ale. Made from the fruit. You’ve heard of it, right?”

I shook my head. Jinx rolled her eyes. “Really, Mr. Tesig? How long have you been here and you’ve never heard of the feen fruit?”

“Between work, the clinic, and hanging out at the “regular” places, as you like to call them, I don’t get out much.” I leaned back, still not recovered from the earlier session, and still thin on patience.

Jinx sighed and set her tea down. “Well, the Feen Ale you have in front of you is probably the best in town. That I promise.” She cocked her head towards he bartender, who was still shooting me suspicious glances. “Old Sienn home brews her own private recipe. It’s a family tradition for her, almost snuffed out during the Empire days. She keeps it alive, and under close guard. As I’m sure you can appreciate.”

I nodded in response. It made sense. Growing impatient, I decided to press the issue. “Ok, Jinx. You said something about cards, and I’m guessing this isn’t a sabacc game you’re talking about. What’s the deal?”

Her smile faded and she took a deep breath. “The clinic is shutting down. Dr. Mindaat and I have about a week left. Since Ryloth is not joining the New Republic, they’re cutting the funds to keep it open. There is plenty of need for clinics like this across the galaxy for systems that are part of the new government. Therefore, we’re on our own. The local government isn’t interested in keeping it open either. While many of the elders appreciate the aid received by the Rebel Alliance during the occupation, they are also turning insular. Ryloth and Twi’leks first. Also, many of them are old enough to remember the Clone Wars. They feel Ryloth has too often been caught in the cross fire of conflicts that have little to do with Ryloth itself. They’re not wrong in that.”

What she said rattled me more than I expected. “But, the Doc just got here. Why would she accept a transfer all the way out here? They had to know that the clinic was on the chopping block.”

“They did know,” relied Jinx. “Dr. Mindaat knew. She wanted to come anyway. I had been in touch with her about a month prior to her coming out.”

I furrowed my brow. “Why do I get the idea you’re more than just an office assistant?”

She shot a look of defiance across at me. “What, you think I want to stay in that crap job forever? I have plans, you know. Things I have to do. That job was just a way to earn credits. Better that than become an entertainer in some shady dance den. Not a whole lot of opportunity around here for someone like me, if you haven’t noticed.”

I hadn’t considered that. “Yeah, I have. Sorry, Jinx. I…”

She waived her hand, cutting me off. “I did make one mistake though. It was obvious that the people the New Republic were sending out to provide counseling were either unqualified, uninterested, or both. The clinic was supposed to help all veterans, both off world vets and Twi’leks alike. But things were so disorganized that all the locals quickly gave up on it. For weeks, I watched off world vets coming in to get help, only to abandon hope. A lot of them really needed help, worse shape than you. I felt so bad for them I started to complain.”

I nodded. I was starting to see her in a different light. She continued.

“As you can imagine, every communique I sent off just got lost or re-routed through the bureaucracy. Eventually, I found my way to Dr. Mindaat. And we started talking. After a while, she said that she wanted to come out. See for herself.”

“I’m confused, why would she come out here if she knew the place was closing?” Then a thought hit me that made me a bit angry. “And why would you insist that I come back to the clinic knowing it was shutting down?”

“I didn’t know,” she shot back. “Not until she got here. Dr. Mindaat spent a couple of days looking things over, then sat us all down and broke the news to us. The counselor that you had seen prior to her up and quit immediately. The other two agreed to see out their patient list to let them know before they left.”

I was getting more annoyed with the lack of transparency of where this story was going. “I was just another patient, Jinx. You may have not known when she got here, but you had to have known that day you found me outside the bar. Tell me I’m wrong, huh? What does this have to do with me?” I said the last part loudly. The bartender called Sienn glared at me, but I ignored it.

“Keep your voice down,” Jinx pleaded, sending an apologetic glance towards Sienn. “I’m getting there. This is important.”

I took a long drink of my Feen Ale. “Fine, but make it quick. Like I said, I have a long day tomorrow.”

She took another sip of her own drink before continuing. “I did know when I found you that night. You’re not wrong. But I really wanted you to see Dr. Mindaat for two reasons. One, is that I was genuinely concerned for you. I had done some research, and she has a legit resume. Of all the people that came in, you were one of the only people that ever paid any attention to me, was nice to me.”

I snorted. She narrowed her eyes at me, then rolled them. “Please, get over yourself,” she said. Her tone was a cross between mocking and exacerbation. “Not like that. Besides, you’re not my type.”

“Whatever, kid.” I retorted, shrugging my shoulders and taking another drink. I purposely called her kid, knowing it would get under her skin. She didn’t seem to notice.

“The other reason, Mr. Tesig,” she said my name with a bit more mocking, “is that I’m leaving soon. And I want to hire you.”

“Hire me, for what?” She ignored my question.

“I’ve been planning it for a while. I want to buy a ship, or hire one. Not sure yet. But I have a lot of credits saved up. Plus I inherited some from my mother. I need to find someone, someone that I knew during the occupation. I have a few leads. We can maybe pick up some credits along the way doing some quick cargo runs or something. Plus, you can keep seeing Dr. Mindaat.”

I looked at her incredulously. “How am I going to keep seeing the Doc while I’m off gallivanting around the galaxy with you? And how do I fit into this whole, halfcocked adventure you have in mind?”

Jinx leaned forward, her expression serious. “She’s coming with me. I’m not sure why, she hasn’t told me. But, I told her about my plan. And that was when she told me she was coming out, that she was interested maybe joining me.”

I leaned forward as well, my anger and annoyance giving way to curiosity. “Why do you need me?”

Jinx held her ground. “You’re a mechanic. If I buy a ship, chances are it won’t be in the best condition. If I hire one, I’ll need you to tell me if whomever is piloting the heap is on the up and up. And, you’ve been all over the galaxy. You fought in the War. You have experience that I don’t. I’ve never left Ryloth. I need someone that can help keep me out of trouble. Don’t you feel stuck here anyway? I mean, you grew up on ships.”

That last part, my eyes narrowed. How did she know that? The second she said it, Jinx knew she had screwed up. “Mr. Tesig, I…” Her eyes went wide as glared at are her from across the table.

“You read my file!” All I saw was red.

“If you’ll just let me explain, I can…”

“Explain what you dammed little brat! What gives you the right, huh!” I slammed my drink on table and stood up. Jinx retreated into the corner of the booth, eyes wild.

“Please stop, I’m sorry!” She was starting to cry.

Under normal circumstances, I would have been taken aback by how quickly I had become this angry, fast. These circumstances were not normal.

I turned to leave. My head jarred to the side, the room spun, and all went dark.

_“They died because of you.” My boss, Maintenance Chief of the Rebel Alliance to defeat the Empire Nera Kase, stood in her stained mechanics jumpsuit. Arms folded, looking down on me, her eyes screamed judgement._

_She was right, the guilt smothered me. None the less I protested. “Nera, we did everything you asked!”_

_“Really? Red Six’s electrical system flared out right when he needed them. He died! I told you to go over that entire system. You said it was fully operational!” She unfolded her arms and placed them on her hips, eyes piercing right through me._

_I couldn’t look away from her. “Nera, I swear!”_

_“They died! It was your fault!” She screamed, eyes glowing red. “Darklighter, Dinnes, Branon, Surrel, Naeco…..Dreis!!!!!” The last name caused Kase to take a deep breath and clutch her side. “I trusted you with Red Squadron, even though you were new! You betrayed me!”_

_I tried to look away, but I was paralyzed. “No, Nera!!!!”_

“How hard did you hit him?” The voice was calm.

“Too hard, it appears.” The responding voice was nonchalant.

“Who’s Nera?” The first voice again, a bit of concern.

My head was rocking back and forth. I could still hear Nera screaming at me, though it was fading away. I couldn’t see her anymore. My eyes were open but I couldn’t see. “It’s my fault. They all died, it’s my fault.”

“What’s he talking about?” The second voice again.

“I think it’s from the War.” First voice.

Sight was starting to come back, there were two blurry images standing in front of me. One was short…..”Nera?”

“Mr. Tesig, it’s me. Jinx. You, you’ve been unconscious for a few minutes. How do you feel?”

I glanced around, starting to remember. Bar. Jinx. Anger. Lots of anger. “Jinx?”

“Mr. Tesig. I’m sorry about earlier, I just…” She was coming into more focus now. I recognized her gold eyes looking at me. Then I remembered. “You read my file. You had no right,” I muttered. I was getting angry again, but not as fast or violent as before. Now it was just a slow, festering burn.

“I know, I’m sorry.” She was pleading, I wasn’t having it.

“I’m out of here. Go to hell, kid.” As I stood up, nausea engulfed me. I fell back into the booth seat they had propped me up in, closing my eyes and trying to will my stomach to settle.

“He pukes, you’re cleaning it up.” I opened my eyes to see Sienn rubbing her knuckles and looking at Jinx. “You brought him in here, he’s your responsibility.” She returned to her station behind the bar, apologizing to the couple of Twi’lek patrons along the way.

Jinx gave her a sidelong look then turned back to me. “Mr. Tesig, here. Drink some water.”

I turned my head to one side, the sudden movement churning my stomach. “Leave me alone.”

She put the glass down and sat across from me again. “Mr. Tesig. Please, just listen to me. You are right. I had no right to read your file. But I had to know, and Dr. Mindaat would never let me have read it. I’m really sorry. Please believe me.”

I just stared back at her. How hard did that damned bartender hit me? Or maybe it was that drink. Or both. It didn’t matter. As soon as my stomach settled, I was leaving. It was a long day tomorrow, I needed to be rested.

“It’s important, this thing I have to do. And I need your help. I can pay you, I can make it worth your while. I….” She was searching for words, her eyes looked desperately sad. “I’m sorry I made you mad. I’m sorry that I probably blew my chance to get you to come with me. I’m…just really sorry.” She put her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands.

I still wanted to be mad. I was justified in being mad. But, it was fading away. I felt sorry for her, and I was slightly embarrassed with myself with losing my temper so quickly. I had been so raw from the counseling session, then so annoyed with her, it just came on me. Faster than I thought possible.

She wasn’t exactly wrong though. I did grow up on ships. And I did feel stuck in Lessu. I did want to be back in the stars, on the move. Doing things, going places. It was all I knew, in either my childhood or adulthood.

“How soon?” I asked.

“I’m sorry?” Came the muffled response from Jinx.

“How soon until you leave?” I replied.

Her head popped up, eyes finding mine. “Um, well. The clinic shuts down in a week. I need to find a ship. I have a few ideas, but I was hoping you could help me with that. Two weeks maybe, if all goes right?”

I stood up, still a bit woozy but under control. “I want to talk with the Doc first. I’ll let you know.”

I made for the exit. Sienn watched me as I walked by, her expression unreadable. I gave her a nod as I left. She did not return it.

An hour later, I was back in my apartment. After a quick shower, some food, and meds for my still throbbing head and jaw, I laid in bed. Staring up at the ceiling, waiting for ever elusive sleep to find me. When I did find sleep, it was usually restless, or worse. Memories, regrets, reliving things I did not really want to relive.

I slowly faded off, thinking of the possibilities. A chance to go back to the stars. To help Jinx, annoying as she was. To be on the move again, seeing different worlds again.

Finally, sleep overcame me. It was mercifully uneventful.


End file.
